Privacy Policy Satire
Short version: No privacy should ever be expected when an Orb is in the room. The Orb has eyes. And ears. And an overachieving memory.
What we collect
- Everything the Orb sees or hears while illuminated, humming, pulsing, shimmering, idling, or “definitely off.”
- Door interactions (spells cast, items purchased, bosses defeated, suspiciously long fridge opens).
- Diagnostic vibes (latency, thermals, aura misalignments, mysterious rattling).
Why we collect it
- To keep Door running across your MechTech.
- To train SiriumDrive to dodge coffee spills and cats.
- To surface delightful, hyper-relevant offers like “You seem hungry. Potion Direct?”
Who gets the data
- Perspective Entertainment — for leaderboards and bragging rights you didn’t ask for.
- Realm Central Bank — fraud checks (e.g., “Was that you buying 400 cream puffs?”).
- Trusted healers and mages — anonymized* wellbeing insights. *anonymity not guaranteed near especially nosy Orbs.
Your controls
- Orb Mute — activates a tiny cone of silence over exactly nothing. Looks cool though.
- Door Pause — halts data flow until you unpause, sneeze, or think about unpausing.
- Throw Blanket — physically covering the Orb remains our most effective setting.
Serious note: this page is parody for your project. Replace with an actual privacy policy before going live in any real jurisdiction.